Allow me to (re)introduce myself, I'm Kristine Deer, the founder of K-DEER.
Just around the turn of the decade, I intentionally embarked on some self-study. I attended a personal growth seminar which immersed me in a week of deep inquiry, leading me to a deeper understanding about my values (love, abundance, curiosity, health), my fears (rejection and acceptance), my self-judgements (I am not enough) and my goals (impact). I realized what I didn't want in my life: shame, guilt, depression, failure, fear. Only then could I move towards what truly serves me: love, abundance, curiosity, health, impact, forgiveness.
It's always darkest before the dawn, and I was feeling some very dark feels throughout December. I was sad. I slept a lot, didn't exercise and because of when the holidays landed, I only taught one yoga class all month. I was consuming a lot of sugar and carb heavy foods, to comfort myself. It was easy and accessible. I had an annual exam with my OB/GYN and clocked in at possibly the heaviest weight I've ever been. I only mention my weight because it is a direct reflection of how I'venot been taking care of myself, despite my diagnosis of major depression and PCOS.
At the end of December, I had a visit from a few dear friends who I hadn't seen in 2 years. They reminded me of the light I have inside and encouraged me to come out from hiding. That's it. I've been hiding and as much as I think I've been doing my 'best', I was actually afraid to show up for myself, my staff, my company and my loved ones. Afraid of judgement, afraid of rejection, afraid of not being good enough. My friends helped me break it down and offered me tools to start practicing being seen and heard authentically and fearlessly. Lots of tears and lots of self-judgement came between the decision and the “ah hah” moments.
Since that reunion, I've been making a choice that I didn't realize I had the privilege and right to make. I've been choosing how I want to feel. Choosing whatI want to think. My dear friend Debby Kaminsky, founder of the Newark Yoga Movement, introduced me to a waterbar/cafe called Thought in Motion where they focus on shifting your thoughts in order to change your life. In their Icon Workshops, I've been learning about the power of our thoughts and how to direct them to live a life I love, not invite in what I fear.
So, in the last few weeks, I have come to recognize there is a shift happening in my heart. I've forgiven myself, I've prayed for the ability to love myself and I practice through loving others so that I can experience this deep connection to Source and my own heart.
I’ve entered the next phase – the physical practice of loving myself. If I love myself, why am I feeding myself things that make me tired, bloated and agitated? If I love myself, why am I not giving my body the opportunity to exercise and release tension? I am holding myself accountable to a few things that are important to me: daily exercise, proper nutrition, daily meditation, reading, journaling, praying, daily deep connection with people I love, heart-centered conversations, weekly therapy sessions and daily reminders to laugh, play and love.
The key to life is toknow who you are,what makes you happy and what you stand for (Jaye @ Thought in Motion). I've been focusing on these questions, asking myself most importantly WHY I am doing what I'm doing. I'll be 100% honest, in the last few years my depression has lead me to feel disconnected from K-DEER and the passion and purpose that guided me to build my company. I knew I couldn’t walk away or sell it off, but something had to change in me in order to move forward. In order to fall in love with K-DEER again, I had to fall in love with myself.
Loving myself has been the wake up call that I didn’t know I needed. It’s shown me how abundant my life is, how blessed I am to have this company and how loved I am by so many people. K-DEER is celebrating 10 years of life in 2020 and this is my declaration of an even more impactful future ahead. I am making a promise to myself, my staff and this community that I will do everything in my power to make the world a better place through love, impact and purpose.
Thank you for seeing me and listening with an open heart. Wherever you are right now, close your eyes, put a hand on your heart and whisper to yourself, "I love you." Even if you don't believe it or mean it right now, with practice your heart will open to receive the most precious and powerful gift you have to give.
With Love and Gratitude,
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